Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.

[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER

Direct deposit: $1,400

Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*

I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.

Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.

Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.

I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.

And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.

Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.

Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.

Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!

Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.

If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.

Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees

My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.

I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”

a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup

Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.

me: [trying to cheat in an exam]

teacher: I’m married

[Arrested for prank calling police]

Cop: You get one phone call

Me: ok

*cop’s phone rings*

Me: is your refrigerator running

The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…

I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!

Ways I am superior to ducks:

1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts

2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family

3. Better Penmanship

4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)

Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”

Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”

ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite

WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog

Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.

i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”

Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest

Just started an episode of 30 Rock and said to my 4-month old baby “this brand of comedy is important to this family so please pay attention.”

The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.

I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand

Me: What should I wear on my date

Friend: An expensive dress shirt

*Later*

Me: Hi

Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown

When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”

I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes

Legos on the floor by her side of the bed

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.