Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.

*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls

[At Police Station]

“You can make one phone call”

*Dials random #

“Is your fridge running?”

When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist

My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.

“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese

“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”

Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.

God I hate kids.

And people.

And animals.

And sardines.

And stuff that’s alive.

And stuff that’s dead.

I hate stuff.

I like cheese.

I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.

I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.

I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.

Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.

Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.

I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.

No weirdos.

[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.

I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.

Usage Guidelines

When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.

BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber

ME: i’m not sure how to take that

BANK TELLER: exactly

All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.

if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times

According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.

*Coats body in coffee grains

*Waits for osmosis to occur

Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.

Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.