Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//

[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough

God, creating dogs: make them smart

Angel: how smart

God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on

[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.

Girl:

Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?

[Home Depot]

Me: I’ll take your finest home

*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*

How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto

Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*

Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.

A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.

What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.

[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.

Just know I tried.

Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.

This is top tier marketing 😂🤣

It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story

Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.

Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant

New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.

95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.

I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena

me: it is lonely at the top.

therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’

Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.

Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….

I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?

Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks

ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2

The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?

ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings

When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.