wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
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She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
I have a PhD in minding my own business. I’m an uninterestedologist.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.