I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
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Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
This pepper has seen some $h1t.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”