*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
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“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”