Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
You Might Also Like
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
The most precious boy
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor
🤣🤣💀
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source