The check engine light came on inside my oven.
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if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
[God making bears]
God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging
Angel: Aww
God: Hugs that will kill people
Angel: Wtf?!
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.