*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
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Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly