*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
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Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
🙂🙃🥹
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I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand