Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.

Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.

Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!

We have a winner.

An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…

Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree

Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops

Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”

WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer

So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.

friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?

me: sure

friend: does 8 sound good?

me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4

the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing

As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.

All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!

-if bras could talk

“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”

Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.

Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.

[suit shopping]

Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?

*takes an exam in a coffin*

*passes*

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”

My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.

I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*

I expected that to go differently

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

*yells from the back of an ambulance*

“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”

The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.