Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know when you’re starving, and your buddy starts looking like a succulent roasted chicken? Everyone has experienced this. Well It would be cool if when you were really full, a roast chicken started to look like a little 5 lb man

Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck

My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex

employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?

me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison

Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.

I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan

It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

[at Hooters]

Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being

Waitress: look, it’s my choi-

Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters

My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??

My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.

“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”

[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?

I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.

getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house

5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.

7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.

reasons white people riot:

1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins

“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”

“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”

“That’s so cool,” she lied.

Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy

I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.

Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.

Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio

If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.

If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.

WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”

[blind date]

HER: I’m a big dog person

ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford

Me: School starts in a few days.

7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.

No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair

The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence