Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Person: Home decor is a niche market.
Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
