Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped

“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”

But daddy, Santa likes-

[gently puts hand on his head]

“do what I say or he’s not coming”

Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.

When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics

Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?

Me: (holding back tears) 3 days

D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like

M: Not really

If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.

I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.

HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?

ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend

HIM: what?

ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low

HIM: what did you say?

ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂

Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)

12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude

Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.

*does Basic Instinct leg cross*

*remembers I’m wearing jeans*

“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”

Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?

LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.

L-O-L!

Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.

Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.

I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.

“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”

The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!

…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.

My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy

At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.

I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.

I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade

How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?

T-REX *runs past me*

ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush

T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first

“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.

[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.

me in 2018: surely next year will be better

me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this

me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye

I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.

I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…

No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….