Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.

I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.

Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.

[Tarot reading ends]

Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!

Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.

When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere

When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by

imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it

‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place

A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.

The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”

Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support

Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.

The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.

Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard

Me: it hit me completely out of the grey

Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?

Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes

I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.

My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.

Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.

What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?

*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*

-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?

In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.

Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……

I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.

Me: *wakes up*

My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy

I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.

if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams

I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?

Me: what do you want?

13: what do we have?

Me: the same things we always have

13: like what tho

*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”

It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.