Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to impress your ex:

1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex

Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.

love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️

I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th

In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.

Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…

But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.

When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.

A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:

This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great

We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them

*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*

My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.

My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.

“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

[At the gym]

My body: WTF

Me: I know

Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?

Me: No, this is how it is from now on.

Body: *charley horse*

Me: Well played, bitch… well played

a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen

Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago

“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”

T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?

TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?

RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING

GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish

[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”

Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

*holding a hose*

Husband: What are you doing?

Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.

Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?

Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.

“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.

It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary