Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together

My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.

I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.

that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:

I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?

From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”

Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.

all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭

Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.

I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.

I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.

[police questioning a friend about my murder]

Police: Did he have any enemies

Friend: Boy did he ever

Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.

Me: NOT TODAY SATAN

Satan: But-

Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!

Jesus: To be fair he did say not today

I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”

I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.

five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time

The rest of the world should fear our military.

We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.

*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*

♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫

*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses

*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar

*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head

BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip

him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.

[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder

your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me

HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?

ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.

[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]

“I’m wasted.”

“Me too. You know how bad?”

“Don’t say it again.”

“I can’t feel my face.”

“Goddammit, Kevin.”

Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?

I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves

Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!