Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.

Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.

“I’m so over you.”

– A blanket.

Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.

I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.

Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred

I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”

I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge

i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles

My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time

by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood

* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am

My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza

embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together

Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.

Me: Don’t push me.

Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.

FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY

It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic

ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*

This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤

I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”

If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.

2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene

i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations

MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.

ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.

[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.

Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”

Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”

I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!

Meanwhile, in Facebook,

Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.