Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.

Friend: Including you?

Me: Actually, scratch that idea.

I hate gender stereotypes.

Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.

Turns out they don’t like whisky.

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.

Me: Sorry, I will be out of town

Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?

Me: I’m free June 10.

It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.

I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.

Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril

Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s

asked my bf how work was today

Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.

Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*

*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can

*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*

What’s your theory?

That money can buy happiness.

I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on

Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

Wife: “No.”

*takes pants off*

*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

*calls lost & found*

Me: Have you seen my patience?

L&F: Hold on a second.

Me: *click*

Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.

Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home

Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?

My teen: Circling?

Ask a stupid math question

My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.

If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”

Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible

Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?

Me: Let me ask my mom

Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!

Me: She said no

Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?

Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon

Him: you mean secret ingredient?

*catapult launching sound*

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.