sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
You Might Also Like
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any