I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
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I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Wait a second…
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.