Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.

If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start

Encore…

hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla

Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.

“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*

*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen

*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot

*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.

I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

[Bar]

Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.

Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.

I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me

I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently

Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain

[God creating penguins]

I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.

My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.

If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…

All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.

My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.

If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.

Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?

Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse

You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”

Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”

Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”

Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.

Looking at a set of 4 placemats on sale for $60.00 from a popular cooking supplies store, “oh you got jokes”

ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows

me: a beloved member of my family died

college professor: show me the body or take the quiz

*gets into any creepy van*

*Gets kicked out*