Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
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My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
