Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

turtles are just lizards who work in construction

Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.

*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*

Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?

911 what’s your emergency?

Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me

911: How is that an emergency?

Me: It’s attached to her gun

Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it

I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.

Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.

Me: I’ll never get married again!

Husband:

Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.

Me: Literally me.

so weird how every mom was born today

This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.

That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.

Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.

Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.

Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.

On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?

WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down

ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*

BEE *depressed* holy shit

[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”

@DaddyJew @funTweeters

Alarm: I have boyfriend

My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.

I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”

PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.

CEO: what’s the store layout

me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions

CEO: ok

me: cigarettes will be right up front

CEO: first of all I love it

If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die

tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”

Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.

Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently

please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q

I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”

Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.

It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…

Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?