fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
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Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
rip to my favourite tweet
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.