Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?

ROBHURT: yeh

I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.

Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!

“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”

*Gas station attendant nods*

“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”

if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son

Gf: Let’s role-play

Me: Ok you be a writer

Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write

Me: ooh that’s good

Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is

CDC: please don’t

Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?

Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years

Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?

Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen

Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?

Me:

Her: when’s my birthday Kyle

Me:

Me: happy b-

Her: it was yesterday

I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.

Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:

I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.

If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.

After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.

Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials

ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater

[dinner w/friends]

“How long you two been married?”

It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.

In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”

My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.

Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.

12yo: Download it from the app store

Me:

Husband:

12yo:

Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.

Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.

Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.

I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.

[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts