15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
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me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do