Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved

Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”

just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me

[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –

Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!

Me: – die.

anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot

“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool

I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil

Me: It’s time to take a bath.

6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!

Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.

6: For my whole life?

Me: Yes

6: What!? Uggggghhhhh

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If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”

*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”

“sir…that’s a parrot”

[in the park]

ME: aww look a baby

WIFE: is it on me?!

ME: um no it’s in a stroll-

WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME

Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.

“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”

I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.

It’s literally my first instinct.

5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS

If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.

ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,

ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?

Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson

ok hear me out: Luigiana

Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral

Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.

Caesar [dying]: remember me

Soldier: we will name a salad after you

Caesar: ok

Soldier: with stale chunks of bread

Caesar: actually nev-

Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese

Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere

with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”

im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus

I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.

ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me