Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!

Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty

Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though

Me: IT’S 2AM!

The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.

Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.

[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]

Me: It’s muggy out there.

Guy: I’ll be fine.

*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.

M: Told you.

sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.

Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣

If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.

Stop blaming others for your mistakes.

Study feng shui and blame the furniture

trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating

5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!

The Friday File.

You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.

They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.

This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.

*Starts new job*

Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂

me: I’m not feeling well

doctor: take your glove off

No

one

yums like Gaston

Eats iced plums like Gaston

Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston

Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.

waiter: what would you like?

me: maybe the steak

waiter: and what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have the steak too

Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!

Somedays I just love AI so much

[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.

Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg

and wait.

-hospitals

Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.

Friend: Including you?

Me: Actually, scratch that idea.

Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion

“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.

God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.

My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”

My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”

My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break