If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
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The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones