great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
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The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Pretty much! 😂👀
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
lol
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Try and stop me.
A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.