People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
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My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72