My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
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Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
I love ketchup from my head to-ma-toes
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living