The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
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Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Huge if true.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.