im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
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Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going