“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
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God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
*me flirting
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.