Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule

When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly

the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal

*Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk

Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.

My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.

To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.

Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.

brain: wake up

me: it’s 1:15 am

brain: pick up your phone

me: fine just for a minute

brain: lmao ok

I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.

wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]

Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College

Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat

How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.

She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.

Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”

Wanted:
1 Psychic.

You know who you are.

[slashing food truck tires]

friend: wtf are you doing?!

[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!

I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?

There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot

So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.

I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.

bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M

Cha-ching is my safe word

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider

I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..

I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.

[me on Ellen}

Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions

Me: that’s right Ellen

People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you: