Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.

observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically

got my wisdom teeth removed.

surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else

Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?

Me: garden hose is fine thanks

Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.

WE DON’T KNOW!

her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.

Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.

Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?

Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.

A welcome mat is a gateway rug.

By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.

Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao

*Courtroom erupts in laughter*

Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect

NO

ONE’S

IN..

COURT LIKE GASTON

LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON

WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON

3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.

Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.

For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5

I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.

So glad we cleared that up

Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?

I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.

Change is always hard….

Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.

When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..

My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there

If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…

…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha

God *creates birds*

Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands

Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.

Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.

Waiter: how does the chicken taste?

Me: WITH ITS TONGUE

Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.

[dating profile]

Body sculpted by Michelangelo.

The turtle. Not the David dude.

Serious enquiries only.

ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.