Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: BEAN!!! Come here!

9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public

Me: Beanie Baby?

D: Mom. No.

Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-

D: MOM!!!

I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!

Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*

Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.

No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you

earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on

“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”

[guy who’s about to invent dates]

*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?

Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.

I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants

*buys box of donut holes*

I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow

My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.

This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”

I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.

If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭

aura

WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”

ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”

Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.

Well, boo hoo.

My dad was actively aggressive.

Just ask my hand.

Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.

Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns

Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then

“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life

Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.

Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.

I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’

My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.

Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough

Satan: what

Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.

You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?

[campfire]

Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.

Millennials: (gasp)

Me: We had to use “adverbs.”

(one faints)