Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
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A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help