Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.

Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.

extrovert: *answers unknown number*

introvert: *googles the unknown number after sending it to voicemail*

If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.

You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.

One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…

Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.

Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.

Nobody:

Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME

My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.

This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad

After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.

Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.

Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of

Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?

Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.

How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night

I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.

Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .

Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.

Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.

If he:

-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcass

He’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon

I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.

*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*

HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.

I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.