I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
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Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
August 8
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I really miss my family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot