Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument

So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché

Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.

morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes

me: they both taste exactly the same

morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?

me: OH MY GOD

The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.

Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there

My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.

Quick observation about the passage of time.

I’m 44. Born in 1980.

1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.

1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.

2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.

2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.

[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how

Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.

Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.

Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real

Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?

Me: What kind of gravy do you have?

Dropped mother-in-law at airport.

Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.

Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you

Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty

Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.

Doctor: Your daughter is 10.

[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”

I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.

6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge

me: what is it

6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday

me: how are you going to do that

6yo:

me:

6yo: no idea

I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.

I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)

[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*

I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.

It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99