Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Only Americans understand
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.