My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
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Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
I think my mom just blocked me
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese