Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Using gorilla glue on my next relationship

Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog

She left me because I am insecure.

No wait, she’s back.

She just went to get a glass of water.

*finds another dead plant on patio*

[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!

Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.

Alcohol: *ears perk up*

I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.

Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.

thats my bad

I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”

“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.

Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road

😂

Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.

Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.

Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!

“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”

haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?

*3 running a brush through my hair*

3: I’m making your hair pretty

Me: Thank you

3: instead of so ugly

Me:

*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*

Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!

If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.

[during sex]

Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.

Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.

So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite

King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.

If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded

Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

my father died in a conga line and so shall i

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.