I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
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It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…