“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
You Might Also Like
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Interviewer: Do you show up on time?
Me *born three months premature*: No.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee