Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
You Might Also Like
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?