My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
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Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in