Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
You Might Also Like
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”